The first step to setting boundaries that stick

In my work with women leaders, I have a lot of conversations about boundaries. How to set them, how to keep them, what to do when someone stomps all over them. Every time, I ask the question, “Who or what keeps you from protecting yourself?” And every time, we ultimately uncover one enemy that keeps us from setting, keeping and defending our limits.

Us. It’s us.

We are so overwhelmed that we can’t even decide where to draw a line. We don’t have the emotional energy to defend the limits that we do set – it’s easier to just keep the status quo. “People” – an amorphous blob with no real identity – will be upset with us.

We are just *looking* for reasons to break our commitment to ourselves, so we need to be ready with some really good reasons for keeping that commitment. When you feel yourself wavering, ask yourself these three questions:

What is possible because I have created this boundary? Reflect on all the good that happens when you protect and nurture what’s most important to you. If you haven’t set that boundary yet, imagine the potential. Would you be healthier? Be able to spend more time with your partner? Get better sleep? Not have to do that thing that you dread doing?

What happens if I don’t set a limit here? Play out the future if you keep doing exactly what you’re doing - if you don’t protect yourself, your time, your energy. What will be the impact to you and your well-being? Will you just keep waking up exhausted? Taking on more and more responsibilities without any of the benefits? Continuing to feel run down, scattered, resentful?

Write your responses down, in black and white. Then ask yourself one last question:

Which of these outcomes am I choosing? Doing nothing is a choice. Maintaining the status quo is a choice. When you break your own boundary or let the fear of offending someone prevent you from setting a limit, you are choosing.

My hope for you is that instead you choose the outcome that lifts you, values you, nurtures and protects you. My hope for you is that you choose yourself.