“The second someone else needs something from me, I abandon myself.” Tamera said to me. “How can I stop giving myself away?”

In every leadership resilience workshop I facilitate, this comes up for women in particular, and there is a name for what they are experiencing: Human Giver Syndrome.

The term “human giver” was coined by Kate Manne, professor of feminist philosophy at Cornell, and expanded upon by Emily & Amelia Nagoski in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. The idea is that some of us, typically women, are seen as Human Givers rather than Human Beings. Human Givers are expected to give their time, care and energy in service of the Human Beings – whose only expectation is to be, do, and live in whatever way they’d like.

When we’re living in Human Giver mode, it looks something like this:

• Consistently putting others’ needs before our own, without question or discernment

• Feeling guilty when we take time to focus on ourselves or try to get our needs met

• Labeling ourselves as “selfish” any time we aren’t directly serving those around us or the “greater good”

• Feeling a sense of duty to make sure everyone around us is happy and friction-free

This isn’t just a theory. Multiple studies have shown that women are expected to live into a higher standard of giving than our male counterparts. More concerning is the fact that we can be penalized when we don’t meet this implicit expectation - even when we are already giving more than our peers. Apply this filter of giving at work and at home, and we’re on a high-speed track to burnout.

To be clear, the behavior of giving alone is not the issue. Giving at the expense of your well-being, satisfaction and career advancement lands you in Human Giver territory – and that’s where the problem lies.

So what can you do to address it? Here’s a place to start:

Learn to recognize Human Giver Syndrome in yourself. When you can’t remember the last time you said “no,” when you’re more concerned about how everyone else is feeling and ignoring your own reaction, when you’re once again heading up a committee no one else volunteered to lead, ask yourself why. As you become more aware of where the Human Giver mindset is showing up for you, you’re better equipped to make different choices – to stop “giving yourself away” and start taking care of yourself the way you take care of others.

Stay clear on – and connected to – your greater purpose. This gives you a powerful reason to say “no” to the things that steal your time, drain your energy, and cause you to over-give without discernment. Think of purpose as your passionate contribution to the greater good – also known as your “Something Larger.” Connecting to something larger reminds you that you are more than a Human Giver. You have a meaningful life to lead and a purpose to act on, and you can’t do that when you’re giving yourself away to everything and everyone else.

Enlist support from your colleagues and friends. Start this conversation with women who support you and share what you’re working on to get out of Human Giver mode. In one of my recent group coaching cohorts, a few women decided to form a “’No’ Committee.” They jump on their group text to get encouragement when they’re tempted to over-give and celebrate when they say “no” to what doesn’t serve them, so that they can say “yes” to themselves and their greater purpose.

As we make these changes individually, it’s also incumbent on the systems we work within to change, too. For more on what organizations and leaders can do to address Human Giver Syndrome, click here.